Perhaps you are in a romantic relationship and things are getting serious. You are excited about your relationship, but you or your partner have a sexual past. How should you think about this topic as a couple?
Here are some questions that are discussed in this podcast:
What if I am not a virgin? What if my boyfriend or girlfriend is not a virgin? Should I tell them?
When is a good time to talk about sexual history?
Is your relationship ready for this conversation?
How should you approach this conversation?
How does the gospel of Jesus Christ impact this discussion?
What practical advice should I know before discussing this?
Some books on my shelf function like journals. I can remember who recommended it, where I read certain sections of it, and how it changed specific aspects of my life. The best books I have read are books that read me. They inform my thoughts, change my feelings, and adjust my actions. God has used many authors and many books in my life, but these are the ones that have had the “journal-effect” from middle-school onward.
Mere Christianity – C.S. Lewis. I believe I was in 8th grade when I read this book for the first time, and reread every year I was in high school. This was the book God used to help me begin to “own” my faith, and grow in my confidence that the Christian faith isn’t just good, but also true – which is what makes it the most beautiful news any person can hear. This book also is what inspired me to begin writing. Lewis’ clarity, beauty, and depth are remarkable and inspired me to want to give my life to sharing this faith that Lewis communicated so beautifully.
Don’t Waste Your Life – John Piper.This book had an explosive impact on my life my freshman year of high school. Piper gave me an all-encompassing vision of the Christian life and an all-satisfying vision of Jesus Christ that changed me forever. Like many, his chapter “Boasting Only In the Cross” wrecked me in the best way – I can still quote sentences from it.
Jesus Among Other Gods – Ravi Zacharias. I was first introduced to Ravi Zacharias through his preaching ministry, and was deeply struck by his ability to communicate the truth of Christ with conviction and compassion. He knew when to be sharp, and knew when to be gentle. This book contained that same flavor that first attracted me to him, and informed the way I did evangelism in my relationships.
The Screwtape Letters – C.S. Lewis. This is a strange book, which is what made it so memorable and compelling for me. It opened my eyes to the reality that spiritual warfare is not primarily a reality of hobgoblins and goosebumps, but rather a war for our thoughts, desires, and loyalties that happen when we gossip with friends, indulge in anger, and immerse ourselves in worldliness. This book will make you vigilant over your soul and sensitive to the serpents schemes.
Future Grace – John Piper.When I was in college, I almost walked away from the Christian faith as a result of severe depression and doubt. God used this book to anchor me to his Word, refine me, and give me a deeper trust in his promises. This book changed and shaped the way I view the process of sanctification in the Christian life, and daily influences the way I fight sin and strive for holiness.
Total Truth – Nancy Pearcey.If I am asked what is the best book on apologetics, I say this book instantly. Pearcey argues for the Christian worldview as a comprehensive one that gives reasonable and compelling answers to all the objections the world brings its way. She demonstrates a confidence in God’s Word that I want to mark my ministry and life.
The Things of Earth – Joe Rigney.Ever since I read Don’t Waste Your Life, I struggled to find the balance of living a radical life for Christ and resisting worldliness, while still enjoying things like ice cream, laughing with friends, and going on vacation. Joe Rigney calls them “the things of earth” This book expanded my view of what it means to live faithfully toward God while also enjoying his gifts. If you read Don’t Waste Your Life, read this book right after it.
Do More Better – Tim Challies. I love thinking about and practicing the best productivity methods. I read Matt Perman’s “What’s Best Next?” and loved it, but found it difficult to recommend to busy Mom’s, men with full-time jobs, and even college students. Challies’ “Do More Better” explains basic productivity methods from a God-centered lens – and he does it in under 100 pages! I’d recommend this to any student beginning college or to a man at the beginning of marriage.
The Reason for God – Tim Keller. I have been hearing about this book for years, and finally picked up an old copy and am reading a few pages before bed every night. I’m about halfway through and have found this book compelling, creative, and winsome. Keller is clear and profound and, in my opinion, very convincing. I would give this book to any skeptic I know to begin conversations about spiritual things. Keller speaks the language of our culture.
A Pastor’s Sketches – Icabod Spencer.I’m finding that this book has not been widely read by many pastor’s today, but I’m thoroughly enjoying it. Icabod Spencer was a pastor in Brooklyn in the 1800s and has recorded two volumes of his conversations with people inquiring about the Christian faith. Spencer’s sensitivity to people, commitment to the sufficiency of Scripture, and pastoral concern for others is imitable.
The Last Lion: Winston Spencer Churchill, 1874-1965. I’m almost finished listening to the second volume of William Manchester’s magisterial portrait of Churchill. All the leaders I respect have been influenced in some way by Churchill. Obviously, Churchill is a very flawed man, but his influence in WWII and his vision, foresight, and courage in the face of evil is remarkable and inspiring.
I’m no war-torn pastor. There are many trenches to come, trials to endure, taunts from the enemy. Every faithful shepherd I know walks with a limp from years of wrestling with Sunday’s text, Monday’s discouragements, Tuesday’s fatigue. Despite this, your triumphant grace soaks their stories as they tell of your sustaining staff through the darkest valley. They tell me that in every cross they carried, resurrection life bloomed.
Lord, these stories are grave and glad. Trembling and hope gather in my soul like Joshua crossing Jordan on the brink of the Promised Land. And so, Lord, I pray to you.
Although I need your endurance for the suffering to come. Although I need insight to explain your word. Although I need wisdom to give your people vision. Although I need compassion for the needs I will see. Although I need love for my enemies. Although I need zeal to lead your people. Although I need these things from you, I do not pray for those now.
My prayer is this:
Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
I have been in your fields for only 8 months now and the stories reverberate in my soul: shepherds leaving their gates open to wolves with false teaching; shepherds leading their sheep over the cliffs of their own selfish ambitions; shepherds so busy tending to the sheep of the field they forget the flock at home.
So, Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
All of these shepherds started just like me: watchful, sensitive, vigilant. I don’t presume to know the path that took them from here to there. I only note it’s existence and plead with you to keep me far from it. I do not ask that you would keep me from stumbling. I know I still fight my flesh and that you tend to teach through my weakness. But I pray that as Satan roars at me during your discipline, your fatherly voice would lead me to repentance. Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
Lord, give me grace when frost forms around my marriage. Prevent me from growing content in giving my wife the leftovers of my time, presuming our love would be unblighted. I have already seen once thriving marriages rotting like old fruit from a famine of time and affection. Give me grace to answer my wife’s honesty with humility, her needs with nourishment, her cares with concern. Lord, take my ministry if I ever begin to lose my marriage, for the former is void without the latter. Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
Lord, give me grace when my chest swells with pride. Guard me from the perils of “success.” If full pews mean a vain heart, bloated with self-sufficiency, deflate me with my weakness and confront me with my limits. If I begin depending on my tools and abilities to reap a harvest, drain me of my fruitfulness until I am desperate again for the rain of your Spirit. Give me grace to receive the wounds of friends with humility when I’m blinded by arrogance. Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
Lord, give me grace to keep the windows of my soul open through regular confession. Provide brothers who don’t fear me, mentors who see through me, partners who listen to me. I’m finding that hypocrisy disguises itself as “privacy”, and I fear everyone will assume I’m always fine. Keep me from valuing my reputation more than my soul. When I begin to live heedlessly, assuming confession needs no place in my life, show me the danger of isolation without giving me over to its full effects. Let your Spirit prevail in my life through the normal means of grace you have given me. Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
Lord, give me grace to not neglect a loving and warm relationship with you. When I begin to see your Word as a commodity of my profession rather than bread to my soul, a set of facts rather than a feast – draw me back into warm fellowship with you. Wield the sword of your Word to cut through my excuses and make me tender to your shepherding voice. Graciously bless me with a soul stirring vision of your Son in your Word when I grow dull and numb. Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
Father, lift these these hands when they droop in weakness, strengthen these knees when they buckle under burdens, loosen my tongue with stammers with sin, open my eyes afresh to the glory of your character. I tremble when I consider my own strengths, abilities, and gifts. But I find comfort in your grace, your earnestness, your mercy, and your zeal for your own name. I take confidence in you, and shepherd your people as you shepherd me.
And as I carry this staff, still green and not well worn, I pray this prayer acknowledging your power and my great weakness: Lord, give me grace when I stumble.
I (Sean) sat down one night in the Harmon home to have an informal conversation about dating, courtship, and the Bible. We recorded several podcasts in Spencer’s upstairs loft. This conversation was impromptu and unscripted.
This 10 minute podcast includes questions such as:
What does the Bible have to do with dating?
Are you against courtship?
Should couples feel pressure when dating?
What should a first date look like?
Where did you and Taylor go on your first date?
We plan on releasing several more of these conversations in the months ahead. You can subscribe to the new “Unspokenblog” podcast on iTunes or listen via SoundCloud. As always, if you have any questions you want us to discuss, we would love to hear them.
It’s a prerequisite for Christian leadership. It’s championed in Christian literature. It’s absence is a red light in romantic relationships. It’s heralded in thousands of churches every Sunday. It motivates accountability groups, is commended by Christians around the world, and is summarized in one word:
But godliness is dangerous. Not because you may be persecuted if you pursue it – although you may. Not because Satan will oppose you at every turn of your striving towards it – although he will. Not because your sinful flesh will roar in resistance as you reach for it – although it will. No, godliness is dangerous for a much more subtle reason.
Godliness is dangerous because we use the word so much. And where words are used often, assumption follows closely behind. As we continually use this word without defining it from God’s Word, vague definitions take root. As a result, people who should be pricked are comforted, people who should be freed are burdened, and at worst a culture of shallow holiness implants itself in our Christian communities.
When something is precious and being threatened, you guard it from multiple sides. The same is true with godliness. We not only need to know what godliness is, but also what it isn’t.
WHAT GODLINESS ISN’T
Godliness is not gifting. God gives his church gifts, but we should not equate them with godliness. The Corinthians excelled in spiritual gifts, but at the same time were rebuked for heinous sin (1 Corinthians 5; 11:17-22). Preaching, teaching, counseling, music, writing, leadership, persuasiveness, hospitality – all of these things can be included in godliness, but are not godliness in and of themselves.
Godliness is not personality. Godliness is not politeness, an easy going attitude, or diplomacy. Jesus was not perceived as polite by the money-changers when he turned over their tables and called them robbers. He wasn’t perceived as diplomatic when he called the Pharisees whitewashed tombs. He wasn’t perceived as easy-going when he rebuked his disciples. Paul rebukes Peter for not eating with Gentiles. James rebukes the rich. All of these men were godly, and one of these men was God himself.
Godliness is not knowledge. A robust knowledge of theology, a nuanced understanding of the human heart, and sharp apologetical skills does not make us godly. Knowing things makes us accountable for them. The Pharisees were men of astute knowledge, but Jesus tells them they are blind to spiritual reality (John 9:40).
Godliness is not a leadership position.The greatest cause of trembling for me as a young pastor is that I would begin equating godliness with my position rather than my character. Just because we lead a discussion group or Sunday school does not make us the godliest person in the room. Being a pastor does not automatically mean you become the holiest person in the church. No, the Bible assumes this principle: the higher the leadership, the deeper the character (1 Timothy 3:1-7). And the higher you get without deeper character the more likely you are to fall.
Obvious gifting, a dynamic personality, rigorous knowledge, and lofty leadership are wonderful. They should be affirmed in the local church lifted up as worthy of pursuit. But these qualities are not what the Bible defines as godliness. Knowing this for myself is challenging and clarifying as I aspire towards greater Christ-likeness in daily life.
CHARACTERISTICS OF GODLINESS
Godliness believes the truth. The fountainhead of godliness is knowing and believing the truth. Trees need seeds, houses need foundations, cars need gasoline, and godliness stands on truth. The man who follows a false map walks in the wrong direction. False teaching in the New Testament warrants swift rebuke because it leads people to sin and death. The apostle Paul calls the gospel itself the mystery of godliness (1 Timothy 3:16). The apostle Peter says godliness comes through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3). This is why every saint is called to speak the truth in love to one another. (Ephesians 4:15)
Godliness is dignified. In 1 Timothy 2-3, dignity is a marker of the Christian community from the laity to the leadership. We should pray for leaders so we can live dignified lives (2:2), pastors should lead their families with all dignity (3:4), and deacons are to be dignified (3:8, 11).
Dignity is the outward reputation of a godly heart. Dignity doesn’t flow from trying to look dignified, but it’s the result of a heart that loves Christ and others. The Bible calls this living worthy of the gospel (Philippians 1:27) or conducting yourself with fear (1 Peter 1:17). It’s a life that appreciates that gravity of their salvation in Christ, and lives a life dripping with that gravitas.
Godliness is marked by good works. The person who spends all their time in a prayer closet but never loves their next door neighbor isn’t a godly person in the Bible. Godliness is not just private piety, but public goodness. Godliness is a light that is meant to be seen (Matthew 5:16). Good works signify a godly person, and the nature of good works are to not remain hidden (1 Timothy 5:25).
Godliness is a fight and race. Godly people are marked by fighting and fleeing, racing and pushing, practice and persistence. Paul tells young Timothy to train himself for godliness (1 Timothy 4:7). Training involves intentionality and vigilance that monitors the areas of life that propel you towards or away from your goal. This means that godliness doesn’t come automatically to us, we must intentionally grow in it, practice it, and discipline ourselves for it.
GODLINESS HAPPENS TO US
Two parallel truths meet when we talk about godliness. The first truth is obvious from everything written above: godliness can’t be assumed. It must be understood, pursued, and intentionally fought for. Godliness doesn’t just happen to us. Yet, there is a second truth that undergirds the first truth: godliness does happen to us.
The human heart does not thirst for godliness out of the formation of new habits, but from the transformation brought about by the new birth. God’s Spirit transforms the human heart by cleansing it from sin and giving it a new nature that desires to grow in godliness (John 3:1-8). The human soul becomes tender as the seed of the gospel breaks through cement-soil hearts. May we grow in this grace that he might reap a fruitful harvest.
We have been working on a project together over the past two years. We have been writing two books that are expanded versions of our Letters to a Young Engaged Man blog series. These books are being published by P&R and will release simultaneously in the Fall of this year.
The book On Dating begins with topics related to singleness and then covers a wide range of topics such as breaking up, physical affection, early marriage, and discussing sexual history. Some chapter titles include:
Marriage vs. Singleness
Should We Be in a Relationship?
Do We Have a Bad Relationship?
What if I am not a Virgin?
Should I Guard My Heart?
The book On Engagement walks couples from the time right before a proposal all the way to their wedding night. Some chapter titles include:
The Length of Engagement
Till Death Do Us Part
Loving Your New Parents
Should We Elope?
On Birth Control
The chapters are designed to be short and can be read individually or together as a couple. Even though we don’t know the specifics of your situation, we have made a concerted effort to make each chapter as practical as possible. It is our prayer that this content feels immediately helpful and comes from a refreshing peer-like voice. Our wives have also contributed to many of the letters and provided their own warm touches throughout the books.
Our prayer is that your plans for dating and engagement would begin aligning with God’s plans to glorify his Son in the world. We pray that these letters will tune your ears to hear God’s voice in his Word and that these letters will provoke many conversations between you, your partner, and godly mentors in your life.
We are not relational gurus. Quite the opposite. We would be the first to admit to you that when we follow our own wisdom… we get lost. We are sinners who are desperately in need of God’s illuminating Word in every facet of our lives. We have simply tasted the goodness of God’s shepherding voice in our romances, and we want you to taste it too. We pray that you fall in love with hearing his voice in the Bible so that it guides you in singleness, dating, and engagement – and every other season after that.
In the meantime you can check out the recent Truth in Love podcast with Dr. Heath Lambert and Sean on the topic of Physical Boundaries Before Marriagethat discusses a controversial portion of the dating book.
As we continue to write to you, we always want to hear your letters. Don’t hesitate to send us your feedback and share your story with us.