Explore The Garden: Kindling Affection While Dating

by Spencer Harmon
by Spencer Harmon

Dating is a complicated dance.  Especially when you are trying to avoid sin.    

For Christians, dating pulls you in two opposite directions.  First, you experience the tug of your affection for your significant other.  You spend more time together, and your heart swells with warmth and care.  You rejoice in the presence of your significant other, and, naturally, you want to express that joy.  In addition, because God created you as an embodied person you usually expresses your emotions physically:  You hug the people you love, you cry over losses, you eat the food you want, and sometimes you even jump with joy.  You have a body.  You were made for this.  

Enter the second (and opposite) tug.  

Although your heart swells with love and you desire to show your love physically, you also feel the tug of biblical truth.  Even though God gave you a body, he wants you to control it (1 Thessalonians 4:4), he didn’t make it for sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:13), he wants you to flee immorality at all costs (1 Corinthians 6:18), and he wants you to keep the marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).  Although you feel the pull of the desire to express your affection physically, you are pulled in the opposite direction by God’s word.  

Many single Christians live within the tension of these seemingly opposing desires.  To add to the confusion, when Christians talk about affection during dating, we typically talk about it in negative terms.  “Don’t be alone in the car”, “Don’t kiss each other”, “Don’t touch her there”  Although these specific prohibitions are important , they are not the full story.  

Outside of knowing what not to do, is there a way forward?  How do you kindle appropriate affection in your relationship while honoring God with your body?

Transform How You Think About Boundaries

The temptation of the serpent in the Garden succeeded by blurring the purpose of boundaries.  Why are you not allowed to eat of the tree in the Garden?  Because God doesn’t want you to grow in your knowledge, and he’s holding things back from you (Genesis 3:5).  The first couple were convinced by the serpent that their God given boundaries were not given to them for life (Genesis 2:17) and so they broke them.  This insidious lie took root in their hearts, and the curse pulsated through the world.  

How do God’s righteous boundaries sit in your heart?  Are they a pointless burden meant to keep you in line? Or are they lamps that light the path to life?  But even more specifically, how are you thinking about the boundaries of your relationship?  Do you think of them as a burdensome prerequisite class of purity before the elective of marital intimacy?  This is that ancient lie of the serpent that plunged our race into the dark waters of the curse.

The best way to combat the lie of the serpent, is to renew your mind with God’s good purposes for your relationship.  When you discuss your boundaries with your significant other, talk about them as a means to store up pleasure, rather than a temporary misery that must be endured.  Not: “We can’t do this together because the Bible says we can’t”; but: “We choose to save this to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage”  

To be sure, the call to purity will be difficult.  However, comfort and joy are found when we view our difficulties through the lens of God’s good purposes and promises for us as his children.  This starts in your heart.  Meditate on the goodness of God’s purpose behind your boundaries.  You’re storing up pleasure for later.  Very soon, you will experience God’s good gifts in God’s good time under God’s good smile.  Transform your thinking.

Patterns Become Permanent

Although intimacy is a vital part of marriage, it is a relatively small part when compared to the various aspects of your relationship with your spouse.  So much of marriage happens outside of the marriage bed.  So during this time, when this fruit of marriage is forbidden, explore the other trees in the garden.  The memories you make now, the habits you are cultivating, the relationships you pursue – all of them are patterns that will affect the fragrance of your marriage.

Some couples miss the wonderful “yes’s” of their current season because they are so focused on the “no’s” of their relationship.  When we are convinced that the only way to show affection is through physical intimacy we never see the potential for love in the other areas of life:  Long walks, road trips, serving saints in your church, eating with friends, adventuring through your city, asking questions.  These habits of pursuing one another outside the marriage bed will become patterns in your relationship.  Furthermore, they will serve to bind your hearts together through shared experiences and memories.  Make patterns now while you wait for intimacy.

Trust The Divine Sequence

In fact, the patterns you create while waiting for intimacy will actually improve your marital intimacy.  The joy of the bride and groom in the Song of Solomon is a symphony of emotional, physical, and relational delight.  They experience the security of belonging (Song 6:3), the joy of friendship (Song 5:16), and the intensity of physical intimacy (Song 4).  The poem is composed of all these elements.  This is the divine sequence.

It makes more sense to touch each others’ hearts before you touch each others’ bodies.  The sweetness of the wedding night – the reason why they call it consummation – is found when it is the rightful climax to a million shared moments, memories, joys, sorrows, conversations, experiences, and adventures.  And when you do finally touch each other, you will find that you are participating in a divine sequence – one that compounds your joy and intensifies your pleasure.   

Deep Roots

In this season of pursuing the heart rather than touching the body you are nurturing deep roots.  If God blesses your relationship with marriage you will discover that your friendship and intimacy are weaved together. The cultivation of friendship solidifies the foundation of your marriage.  So, don’t lose sight of the beauty of the garden because you are obsessed with the forbidden tree.  Explore, cultivate, and adventure in the current stage you are in.  Soon you will find that the exploration never ends.

The content for this post has been expanded into Letters to a Romantic: On Dating which will be released in 2017 by P&R Publishing. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s